Serpentine

so i've been accepted into Bachelor of Arts/Bachelor of Education (Secondary: Humanities and Social Sciences) at Sydney University. friends and a gigantic library and cheap live music and societies and politics and lots more learning awaits.
i am mostly overjoyed. but it all seems to have come so easily. i was talking to Helen once (or twice, and probably will again) about there being almost two paths that we could see our lives spiralling down. to dramatise the situation, there is the path of least resistance, where we become teachers and return to the community what we can, having at the same time a nice life full of a responsible love and some children. then, there is forever the possibility of how much more could be sacrificed of that life in order to make that much more of a difference. do i really have the conviction.? for me it's not necessarily about teaching, because i think it's one of the most honourable things a person can do, but about the way i can see my life becoming so very structured, simply because everything is most easily set up to work that way.
the path of least resistance. is what makes the river crooked, makes it serpentine, according to my favourite punk-folkstress.
i have settled deep into a deteministic take on things, which makes the thought less of a plagueing one. yet is, of course, a cop out. it has no practical application. it cannot, without the entire situation becoming paradoxical. trying to visualise the process used to make my small capacity for logic whirr - so much so that I’ve resigned to a kind of faith that everything will work out how it must. it’s the closest I get to god.
I believe in god, by the way. Not the kind that listens, only the kind that lives in people.
Though I have recently been unnerved by the realisation that my meditation-induced feeling of connectedness can be easily reproduced through the consumption of various poisons. Some will respond: “of course”. i will politely instruct them to shut up.
Anyway. I think I’m doing the right thing. In year ten I skipped a day of school and stared at a leech until I decided on a purpose. It is to help people, in the best way that I can. I hope that I can.
Of course, my third plan is to wander the world applying a differently scented lipgloss for every new emotion i encounter, to then spend the years of my dotage using each to evoke the glorious days of my youth. or maybe marry amanda palmer. i guess i could combine the two.

For some actual news… i went to Kristina's 18th last night and had a very good time. we argued about becoming a republic, and gave Kris a tiny tree, among other things. also, i've seen Jared every day this week, which has been really nice. even though (or perhaps especially as) it involved aforementioned poisons. my dad's friend Judd is in town. he makes his own furniture. he sings beautiful old songs, and teaches me new chords. he has installed cubase SX and Reason 3 on our computer, and has tonight taught me how to use them. obviously i'll now become an incredible songstress. obviously.
i'm yet to discover what it is that separates music from that thing that makes your heart feel like it’s there. Someday.

Sleep tight, hearties