The Last Beautiful Day

i am in love with sally seltman.
when i grow up i want to be one of her songs. or her voice. that is all.

alright, so here's the plan: i'm deferring for a year. i expected to love university, and i still expect that at some point i will - all the elements are there, but i haven't had my fill of unstructured living enough to appreciate it at the moment. also, for years i've been fixed on the idea that whatever i found myself doing, i had to be helping people somehow. that's still the case, but i really need to see if i can make something out of doing things i really love, first. so, couldn't i do that WHILE studying? well, i've still been playing and writing music for hours a day this year, but there's no satisfaction in it when i'm still seeing it as a form of procrastination. and to be honest, my time management skillz are nilz. worse than my smack talk skillz, if you can imagine.
and... uni... when i go back i'll probably just keep on with my BA, change majors to philosophy and performance studies, and then take it from there.
still moving out.

lastly, apologies for recent anguish. you guys are rad.

alright, so here's the news: i haven't been having a great time with my course recently. the idea of spending another four years doing nothing by writing essays almost brings me to tears, and although technically i should be able to be creative in my spare time, it's what i'd always prefer to be doing. i'm interested to learn the things that i'm learning, but so far only philosophy has really grabbed me. my motivation has been shocking this semester, and although i have been slack in the past, i have never been so apathetic. it's actually pretty frightening.
i felt something similar even at the end of last semester, but i had hoped that it would change. anyway it seems that it's not going to, and i feel like it would be foolish to continue without any reason to believe that next year will be different. although, the whole original idea was Drama Teacher. i've been hanging out for performance studies. fuck, i just don't know.
the first thing to do is probably dye my hair, to commemorate the quarterlife crisis. after that i'm really not sure. perhaps visual communications, perhaps sca, perhaps a break entirely. even just transferring to a BA, where i could continue with philosophy and performance.
i really hate this, it was nice being a motivated high achiever. really nice.

Versary

Yes I knew her name
It was written in the sky
She was wearing what I liked
The colour caught my eye

Later on that night
With my mattress in the light
Got a ticket and a fright
I brought this on myself tonight

I was afraid to sleep
I knew when I caught my eye
She'd be dancing on the rooftops
Chasing some other guy

Diamonds in her pockets
When she jumps
Her dress is torn
Here she is beside me
Stretched out on the lawn

Grow up, yeah smile
This is here
This is now
You'll have tears
In your eyes
For a while
For a while

Her house is different
That's because she cares
What's hanging from the stereo
She made with her own hands

Pictures on her walls
Remind her what she's living for
Da da da da da...

Grow up, yeah smile
This is here
This is now
You'll have tears
In your eyes
For a while
For a while


i've been listening to new buffalo and joanna newsom today. i think they're my favourite strangers, right now, in that they make strangeness the most beautiful.
so... i haven't been updating, because i've been writing like a fiend. essays and stories, which don't seem to know the difference between one another.
but, in the interests of keeping this blog alive:
good things in the recent past: lecturer making use of the word meretricious; meeting new people; drinking amazing coffee, and finally really REALLY appreciating an espresso.
ungood things in the recent past: millie leaving the country.

evening. the moon is gorgeous tonight, if you haven't looked.

ok, here's something i found while tidying up my files. i'd like to say i drew it ages ago, but i can't; it's only a few months old. stupid blogger always scales them down... click it if you want to read it. in other news... i had a good day!