Vertigo

hmm, so it's been quite a while since i graced this space with tales of what happens to me. lately i've been more convinced that nothing particularly exists, except of course for whatever does, which is only what i can feel and negotiate with RIGHT NOW. which is to say... not right then, when i just wrote right now, but now. now.

NOW.

this makes work excruciating. 8 hours of the NOW being hell. because if there is nothing but now, then at any point i might explode. and who would there be to watch the spectacle? aldi customers. my charred flesh and bits of blood allover the place, allover the packing bench, and fuck the bluberries are hard enough to clean up. bruising the floor with their juicy purpleness.
so i'm not sure how to live, but fortunately i have some time to escape the headspace requisite for studying and sanity without too much damage being done. and at the same time there is infinite damage being done, because i am here, now, not exploding, not then, with you and the pain. and i don't particularly fit into either.