nun more habits

so i stayed up until 6am last night with ben, watching movies and drinking etc. rewatched being john malkovich and american beauty, my two favourite films. meanwhile, the rain outside looked quite amazing, like glass, at once shattered and liquid. we talked about how i'm actually quitting smoking. this "quitting" involves allowing myself to smoke a pipe and bum cigarettes off others if they offer. we stood on the stoop, there were cigarettes burning and it was a beautiful moment. i mentioned to ben how incredible it would be if i restricted myself to only smoking in such moments. eventually, having a cigarette would become the signature of a perfect feeling. others would soon come to realise this, and then, if ever they saw me lighting a cigarette, they'd have instant knowledge of my happiness, and maybe feel pretty awesome about being a part of it. they would be amazed! and touched, and i would feed off their glad and they would feed off mine, our glads would feed each other and grow greater, so that eventually any cancer in my body could be interpreted as a bodily metaphor for our happiness. at some point however, my actions would become disingenuous. of course, i would become addicted to the reactions of others, and so begin to smoke in situations that were not quite perfect, just to sneak a peek at some tender glads. and then i would smoke in situations that were far from perfect. and finally, i would smoke in terrible situations, as a trick, to rescue someone from pain. someone that i wanted to love. later, my love would realise my fraud, and be horrified. and i'd have nothing to save them with.

ben said it was a pretty nice idea.