How To Become a Cat Person

You are looking into the eyes of your cat while she purrs on your lap, and you somehow feel that she's trying to communicate with you. Maybe telepathically - maybe animals can do that. You listened to that radiolab episode about animal minds and it basically suggested that we don't have a fucking clue about what happens inside there, so a cat might as well be telepathic. You feel like she's saying,

"yes, i know you can hear me. I wasn't sure if you could understand me before but now I think we're getting somewhere."

You're communing with an animal, incredibly, and it's only happening because you're having the most amazing cuddle time ever. She raises her neck in a certain way as to say, 

"here, can you just rub me a little here on my cheek?" 

But what she means is that basically what she would like for you to do is smush her cute face around. So you smush her cute face around. She loves it, and so do you. You start comparing the fact that she just wants to be near things that are warm and fleshy to your own desire to be close to things that are warm and fleshy, and you think, maybe people don't really want to cheat on their wives, really they just want the cute parts of their faces to be smushed around and to curl up in something all around them. But as soon as your cat feels that you have taken the cuddle-communication too far into the realms of intellectual abstraction, she starts to ignore you, muttering,

"I knew you weren't ready."

You want to reassure her that no, you shouldn't have doubted her, and you want to keep the channel of telepathy open, so you start babbling about how your friend last night was telling bad jokes about cats so you then said "stop your animaligning", but she cuts you off -

"That's not a very good animal joke either. Why are you making jokes about animals in the first place? But if you are, why not 'that's a cat-astrophe!' "

"Oh because that is quite common."

"Ohh? I've never heard it before. I think it's a very good joke. Especially if you were to develop a system among your friends in which the worst jokes about animals were awarded with a cat arse. You know, like a cat arse trophy."

"That's quite a build up for just that one joke."

"But it would be the best!" she telepaths emphatically, and her huge cute eyes swell with conviction.

"You're right," you mindbeam, "we'll put it on the internet". And you do. 

Turn Around

my response to your shrinking lights

was a vehicular jolt

and film criminal instinct

for a high speed chase.

but you turned around smiling,

and i think 

i'd die sad otherwise,

in a forty-two car pile up

miles from home.

you pull me over 

like a woollen blanket now

and your world is a bed

that i want to wake up in forever. 

when old people stare

i just want to kiss you,

and for someone to play The Beatles

"Do It In The Road" over phone speakers,

but not in a fucked up way

like usual.

like last week,

i would have smashed that guy's windscreen

and his headlights

to make him apologise.

but instead i turned around smiling,
because i think 

i'd die sad otherwise,

in a forty-two car pile up

miles from you.

View Sauce

If you didn't want me to leave my wife then why would you have those photos of yourself in sexy lingerie all over your page.

What? No, i don't care if you didn't know how to change your privacy settings. I SAW THEM AND NOW I HAVE NO WIFE.

Now what are you going to do about it, Chenille19!

Vulture Fund

Spam Poem

Enjoy night potency,
Intimate like a god of love
who parts from
the loaded summits
of national theory
to overview a suburban
deportation Progress.

The struggle manager of individual folk
pouching continental Europe
with the antimilitarist storyline.
Hocking The Caribbean for
Federal increases in
Earl soccer.

Auto Setting

Season

In summer

I am sandwiched

between sweetnesses of incongruous flavour.

These girls are wholesome and seductive.

They clash, they clash,

I am macaruined.

Hard Sell

sure, there are flaws

in the market system.

but in a pastoral utopia,

could you cure famine

just by moisturising?

Oh Buoy

moments of civilisation
peek out of the sand

and mental maps amend
for makeshift paths of
flattened grass

take note of
patterned shell arrangements,
weathered glass,

the coals of teenage experience
and picnic relics:

paper plates and
olive pips
schnitzeled
in mammal ancestors

six hundred million

generations past.

a wave peeks back
and curls into the shore
like a century,
pushing on the corners
of everything -

oh buoy,
it’s effortless.

Search

Watch
Future
Online Free
Future
Megavideo. Watch
Future
Streaming 2011 Divx
Future
or Straming Full Length
Future

lethargy


i need to work more, of course
and make it to at least outside the head.
but it’s hard to ignore thoughts about

what it’s all for, especially when

what’s par for the course
is pretty fast for the horse
and the praise always only comes after the scores.

one things is for sure,
looking at a scale of things deduced to be important;
if you’re going to

write a poem about this
you should at least be remembering to
take your supplements.

(this is how i was feeling a while ago, i am doing lots of things now actually)

Here is a poem about magic.

We do a lotta cool shit.

Did you know that most of my friends could tell you what “mana” is?

It is because they are amazing.

wow i just tried to write a normal blog post and i am not capable of it anymore. the moral of the story is that things are really great right now, today was outstanding.

Grove expectations was last night, i read this.

Gums.

In this dream I pull out my own gums only to realise that they’ve already absorbed the drugs and are now infecting everything in contact. I squeeze my mouth tightly in my hand, and I feel my fingers throb with the pressure.

In this dream I squeeze harder, trying to crush it, until I hear a feedback screeching and it occurrs to me that this fist of compressed touch centres was never meant to be. Things were meant to be more difficult, probably. For example, this, my gum-crushing grip was once for tree-climbing while running from lions.

But then again, Dawkins taught me that the basic impulse of life as we know it is to seek and maintain stability. So i don’t know how I ever expected to not be on the couch watching 30 Rock.

In this dream it is only when I discover that my gradual gumless vegetation will result in some grave indecency that action occurs. Something like where my idle brain is hijacked and used to power smartphones or mastermind terrorist attacks, provokes me to buy one of those old nokias on ebay for a dollar, and use it to exercise justice, for instance taking down the government, and the head of the government is Angelina Jolie.

In this dream I compress my gums into the ebayed nokia coffin, which contains the screeching, and i use it to interrupt the signal for the wireless stunt equipment being used by the government agents. Angelina Jolie can’t get these fucking robotic action arms to settle down, and eventually they tear the fabric of the dream apart.

In the end of this dream my nokia explodes and my drug gums absorb everything, before finally filming over. Overdue feelings of winter tremble a little on the crust, but everything inside is stable.

for the record.

your head lowered, eyes looking up.
it feels like they see everything and
sometimes I am
suspicious that you are otherworldly.
just in case:
i would love for you to have cool powers,
we would not have to break up.

getting old

old like feature walls will be
old like wallpaper,
brown houses
and caves.
old like Boney M will be
old like Cary Grant,
jesters
and Saul of Tarsus.
old like before Bond defeated terrorism
with an Ericson K800 will be
old like the excitement of home printing
and gyroscopes.
old like Pokemon Red will be
old like Pacman,
Mouse Trap
and Tutankhamen parcheesi.
old like H1N1 will be
old like H5N1,
asbestosis
and locusts.
old like my parents will be
old like my grandparents,
their grandparents,
and theirs
when the family rocket comes out
when China takes over,
super volcanoes erupt
and people live forever.

Condensation

There are people who know about meaning.
Their optimism breathes with belief,
revealing all the pictures I drew as a kid
on the glass in the back seat;
those marks that framed the
static-y, speed-fractured outside scene.
I knew back then how to deal with blankness.
Before it thickened and
my eyes blurred out the foreground.
Before I gave in to gazing at miles

of wasteland, dried rivers and rusted machines.
Before I felt the pressing down of a white sky

as it slowly hammocks with rain.

But there are people who know better

than to be absorbed by this

heavy nothing.

A primary school aged child could tell you,

this is condensation.

You have to draw something into it.

.... i think this is the most obtuse my writing has ever been. maybe it makes some sense? i hope so.

news:

i went to grove tonight. it was wonderful.

i am drawing all sorts of things right now.

Signal

I felt the morse code
of a
jittering love
on my fingertip;
messages urgent,
with spikes in the reading.
When my hands are still,
moored warships
pulse a distant
paroxysmal sad,

but

this feint needle can bear no weight
on the scales
of fibre-optic
you.

Postmodern Romance

I was wasted for
the month we met.
Due to minor
brain damage,
my memory of you
is like a cloze passage.
You could have said
almost anything.
In my postmodern romance,
I prefer to believe
it was sexy.

so i have an update. this is shambly and ridiculous, but comes close to my thoughts recently somehow. perhaps because of the shambliness.

The single context model

All too often, I find myself distracted by minor existential traumas from things that can be broadly referred to as “what matters”. For instance,

revolutions,

shale gas drilling,

photosynthesis.

These concerns fight mundane daily stresses for my priority of thought, messily like in a reality TV elimination, and often they win the consolation X-box. It’s difficult to even begin justifying my evaluations of worth for these various things, so my solution is now to think about dinosaurs instead of any of that other stuff. To think about dinosaurs, for instance,

giving each other library fines,

trading tempeh recipes

and blowing each other up with long-range missiles.

I remember as a child going to a nature reserve where you could see fossilized dinosaur footprints still in the earth. I was convinced it was a hoax. How could the soil we kick up be so old when old people already seem so old? How could the earth have belonged to these creatures that a) basically sound like dragons (which are not real), and b) are the stuff of Spielberg franchise?

The idea of all of this however, nostalgic child-naivety aside, is to produce a context. It seems to me that there are far too many contexts, which is where problems with evaluating importance occur. So, to make things easy, I propose only one context: that all things are of more OR less significance than the impossible fact that dinosaurs walked around for millions of years, in a The-Time-Machine-remake (2002) kind of way, in your house. That is, where your house is now. Generally, in the context of dinosaurs, whether you marinate your tempeh before cooking it, for instance, hardly matters at all. I find that imagining dinosaurs enacting these valuations is an easy method for realising that basically nothing especially matters.

Test the model yourself. Imagine:

Dinosaurs putting things into context.

Dinosaurs being meta about putting things into context.

Dinosaurs trying to be humorous about their meta-ness, because they feel that the self-reflexive thing is old hat.

Dinosaurs wearing old hats.

You might now have some questions, which can fortunately be addressed through a further demonstration of the model:

Dinosaurs debating specific flaws in the model.

Dinosaurs debating circular reasoning.

You are welcome to be more elaborate in your imagination of these scenarios. You can imagine a small group of stiff-collared creatures at a conference, banging their claws on the hard desks and screeching “reductio!”. You can imagine that, meanwhile, those dinosaurs that have embraced the logic of the single context sit variously in positions of comfort in places of beauty, texting their sweethearts about what a lovely day it is and perhaps they could drive to the beach together in the evening. These creatures drive for hours to get to the very nicest beach, because in the context of themselves the travel-time is negligible. They set up a picnic blanket and gaze up into the night sky, because in the context of themselves the moon and the stars are marvelously important. They relax, make out, watch the stars become brighter, and are relieved that the single context has provided a meaning for them that is far beyond their control.

Things only then become problematic for this placid couple when you begin to imagine

dinosaurs seeing an asteroid come hurtling toward them, but luckily

dinosaurs having control over the earth’s physical processes! or, something like arcade game style dodgem tactics! but somehow

dinosaurs being unable to conceive of the world outliving them by hundreds of millions of years, and

dinosaurs preferring to do nothing.

And perhaps now you can see the real value in the single context model, for all of a sudden none of these things that you imagine matter at all.

... huh.

astronomical to web show details 1 May (2 days ago) you hacked my email to spam my entire contact list about your products. don't do it again. sincerely, bronwyn watkins (astronomical@gmail.com) 3g-ipad2.com to me

show details 20:21 (5 hours ago)

Dear friend,

It was wrong for us to use your email to advertise our products,but in order to make our buyers to understand our products better,and buy products at more reasonable prices,I think that it's well worth.We do not think it's correct if you evaluate us as your mean!

Hope you can understand.