success is when the resolutions make me

a reasonable new year's resolution: to ressurect this blog, and have it periodically updated with observations and an accompanying illusion and or disillusion. spirited optimism and unjustified surliness in good measure.
the thing that has stopped me from keeping any sort of intelligible journal recently has been a combination between never having the patience to labour over details, and not quite feeling satisfied that a bullet point list of significant moments is enough to count as a record of any reasonable merit. i do not feel good writing posts that aren't able to draw all the events of my recent life into a succinct evaluation of Everything Ever.
in addition, having read over that past paragraph, my blogging is also compromised by how arrogant i fear i am/sound. ha! some honesty.
so for tonight i'm just going to keep it short. i have been in an excellent mood, the last couple of days - i visited my aunt. she, my mother, sister and i attempted a seance in what used to be the living room. we ended up using a metal eggcup, because all the glasses were too heavy... and only managed to have it pushed around a couple of times between YES and the vast white middle of our mock-up ouija-page before abandoning our inter-plane communion for a disc of gilmore girls and the eating of cake. cake > reticent spirits. remember this if you need to pull me out of a coma someday, and you only have time to try one approach because the hospital is on fire.
jen and i looked at some hand-built australian houses in a book published in the seventies. in the last few weeks i've had to do a lot of thinking about The Future... something i haven't practiced in a while, and the one thing that i've always always wanted to have is a house that i've built. of course in the more extreme days of my youth, i imagined that the walls would be fig trees, fused into some kind of dome. i am much less suspicious of a life half-normal, these days. now i think i'd settle for mudbrick. stained glass windows, a state of the art computer in one corner, and a fridge full of lentils in another. for the sake of juxtaposition, i'll have to abandon the dome idea.
i think my work has caught on to the fact that i'm a hippie. at heart, at least. lauren caught me with the light off in the staff room. then i told her about how i give attacking mosquitoes two warnings before i make any moves to kill them, and even then i feel bad. possibly because i really can't be sure if it's the same or a different mosquito to the one i've warned, that now has designs on my blood.
i finished reading It's Too Late To Say I'm Sorry by Joey Comeau. here's a quote from one of the stories, "Cry Me a River":
"we wrote our love letters so they'd live forever in the government protection filters. 'I love you suicide bomber, president, child porn. Biological warfare rape union, beautiful.'"
I also finally finished Garp and A Spy in the Family. i have another three days off from work, i have friends to vsit and gilmore girls to watch and kind of a year's worth of the world to catch up on. i'm starting to see things better again. mostly in a literal way, my eyes were way unfocusy recently... it's mere coincidence that my perspective seems a lot clearer now, as well. more on that tomorrow...

how to get to the dock.

posting things to look at is funner.

i have had these for a while. i tried to get them to align, i really did..

i think i love writing not so much because of what i manage to get down, but because i begin to see everything in a different way.

i went for a walk down to the park tonight, because i found the camera, and it was actually charged. never mind that i've probably done permanent damage to it by taking pictures in the rain.

i'm not sure how to say what i'm feeling at the moment, but i assure you that things are more than fine. by at least 15-23%.

Employable Bron vs. Arrogant Nihilist Bron

EB: How can you just not do your essay?
AN: Now that I have grasped the impermanence of meaning, I am able to change the way I see things so that they do not matter. It’s my super power.
EB: That’s a crap super power. It would be better if you could explode shit.
AN: Not if explosions don’t matter.
EB: Does anything matter?
AN: Mind.
EB: Is that supposed to be wit?
AN: Yes.
EB: You suck.
AN: Your face sucks.
EB: Your face is impermanent
AN: . . . omg


i swear this is helping me study.

The Last Beautiful Day

i am in love with sally seltman.
when i grow up i want to be one of her songs. or her voice. that is all.

alright, so here's the plan: i'm deferring for a year. i expected to love university, and i still expect that at some point i will - all the elements are there, but i haven't had my fill of unstructured living enough to appreciate it at the moment. also, for years i've been fixed on the idea that whatever i found myself doing, i had to be helping people somehow. that's still the case, but i really need to see if i can make something out of doing things i really love, first. so, couldn't i do that WHILE studying? well, i've still been playing and writing music for hours a day this year, but there's no satisfaction in it when i'm still seeing it as a form of procrastination. and to be honest, my time management skillz are nilz. worse than my smack talk skillz, if you can imagine.
and... uni... when i go back i'll probably just keep on with my BA, change majors to philosophy and performance studies, and then take it from there.
still moving out.

lastly, apologies for recent anguish. you guys are rad.

alright, so here's the news: i haven't been having a great time with my course recently. the idea of spending another four years doing nothing by writing essays almost brings me to tears, and although technically i should be able to be creative in my spare time, it's what i'd always prefer to be doing. i'm interested to learn the things that i'm learning, but so far only philosophy has really grabbed me. my motivation has been shocking this semester, and although i have been slack in the past, i have never been so apathetic. it's actually pretty frightening.
i felt something similar even at the end of last semester, but i had hoped that it would change. anyway it seems that it's not going to, and i feel like it would be foolish to continue without any reason to believe that next year will be different. although, the whole original idea was Drama Teacher. i've been hanging out for performance studies. fuck, i just don't know.
the first thing to do is probably dye my hair, to commemorate the quarterlife crisis. after that i'm really not sure. perhaps visual communications, perhaps sca, perhaps a break entirely. even just transferring to a BA, where i could continue with philosophy and performance.
i really hate this, it was nice being a motivated high achiever. really nice.

Versary

Yes I knew her name
It was written in the sky
She was wearing what I liked
The colour caught my eye

Later on that night
With my mattress in the light
Got a ticket and a fright
I brought this on myself tonight

I was afraid to sleep
I knew when I caught my eye
She'd be dancing on the rooftops
Chasing some other guy

Diamonds in her pockets
When she jumps
Her dress is torn
Here she is beside me
Stretched out on the lawn

Grow up, yeah smile
This is here
This is now
You'll have tears
In your eyes
For a while
For a while

Her house is different
That's because she cares
What's hanging from the stereo
She made with her own hands

Pictures on her walls
Remind her what she's living for
Da da da da da...

Grow up, yeah smile
This is here
This is now
You'll have tears
In your eyes
For a while
For a while


i've been listening to new buffalo and joanna newsom today. i think they're my favourite strangers, right now, in that they make strangeness the most beautiful.
so... i haven't been updating, because i've been writing like a fiend. essays and stories, which don't seem to know the difference between one another.
but, in the interests of keeping this blog alive:
good things in the recent past: lecturer making use of the word meretricious; meeting new people; drinking amazing coffee, and finally really REALLY appreciating an espresso.
ungood things in the recent past: millie leaving the country.

evening. the moon is gorgeous tonight, if you haven't looked.

ok, here's something i found while tidying up my files. i'd like to say i drew it ages ago, but i can't; it's only a few months old. stupid blogger always scales them down... click it if you want to read it. in other news... i had a good day!

there is a lot to be said for dead people.

i've been reading hobbes. one of the reasons i like reading philosophy is that it sets a tempo for my head to follow, and when i think faster, it feels like time is worth more. which, possibly, may mean that i'll have more time to work with, only... concentrated into a normal lifespan. i'll have time for liasons with thousands of people, and when i finally do die, god will think i am really cool.
this weekend has been ok.. i have done a reasonable amount of reading, and some writing, which is possibly the more important thing. i saw helen's brother's band play at candy's apartment on friday, and had my socks knocked off. the place itself is great. suitably den-like, the entry fee is cheap, and the dj sets were the first that i've ever heartily enjoyed. hurray for watching people dance to AIH and CSS instead of JT.
on saturday i bought some new socks.
today i ate cake and sang happy birthday to my uncle and moved some tree ferns. things have been nice. and suitably distracting.

love love

it is in your self interest to find a way to be very tender.

it's been a while since my last post. a month of holidaying has passed, with little to show for it. but i strummed a ukelele and had my first schnapps experience and stuff, and i feel rejuvinated.
also, i saw regina spektor and blonde redhead play within two weeks of each other. managing speech after that is an achievement.

right now i'm looking at anselm kiefer paintings and listening to the dresden dolls. all of today's lectures were interesting, the weather was mild, and rach and i made a reasonably successful pasta sauce in the evening, whilst speculating over a postmodern interpretation of Othello in which all the characters wear crab costumes. also, i'm alive right now. this never seems any less amazing however many times i think about it. so, all considered, today has been good.
the only slight on my tuesday has been the reading over of some old writings. they are the vitriolic ramblings of a moderately well-read fifteen year old, and they are awful. despite that, most of them still touch on how i feel about things now (if i were to suddenly become 20% less articulate and start making uproarious generalisations). i've been lamenting the passion i used to feel about certain atrocious things, but really, all it made me was miserable and constantly angry and annoying to argue with. which is hardly productive. i still care deeply about certain things, but these days i only allow myself as much misery as will actually help. it's starting to come back; the reason i'm doing what i'm doing, and the motivation to be all that i reasonably can be, for the purpose of (whatever means positive change but is less buzz wordy). it may last. that would be excellent good.

right now i kind of want to know everything ever, and i am in a good place to make a start on it. tomorrow i will go to uni and read and talk, maybe strum some more ukeleles and drink more schnapps, and life will be nice.

have some fun.

well well,

the second splendour announcement has just come out. no cure, arcade fire or bjork, (haha) but some other nice bands that will make for merriment.
the holidays have been well spent so far, i think. i spent saturday night with rach, buying books, drinking a couple of cocktails, and later watching buffy.. sunday night with larry, eating lollies and getting beaten in mario tennis.. monday working.. tuesday with lenny, watching buffy under some blankets, tuesday night at my aunt meg's place, eating thai and drinking tea and looking at some of her new ink works. which look amazing..
and today i dropped in at the school, ostensibly to pick up my extension two things, and hopefully to see some old teachers. the greetings were a little short lived, partly because it felt so strange to be back there. also, the art staff were out. but i saw suchu. and i hugged suchu. and that was nice.
tonight, i saw the anselm kiefer exhibition again. i haven't been so affected by art in a very long time. so please go, if you can. it's on at the AGNSW. for free.
later, we saw spiderman 3. insurance prices in new york must be ridiculous.

and now, i am off to finish reading the 6th harry potter.. mostly so that i can partake in the excitement of the 7th book. rishi and i have deduced why harry potter is not good: it reads like a fanfic, minus the sex. some of you may have gasped at that. and... i'm not a heretic. i promise. the first three books are still probably my favourite books ever. it's just... getting old? hmm, anyway..

goodnight

Beauty in the Breakdown

bad week.
i really should have taken a year off. i'm handing in things so late that i'll probably fail a couple of things by default, despite all my other marks. and i hate that feeling, but i also don't care enough. it just doesn't matter enough to make me change.

of course, there have been nice moments to offset the dominant feel:
- i spent friday morning at balmoral beach, crouched behind a mangled pink umbrella, watching the wind breathe across the water. it is nice to know that not all places on earth are shadowed by that false 6am blue. i'm looking at you, north sydney station bus shelter, with your scribbles for commuters and your street sweepers that screech like the rapture.
- i also saw an excellent band on saturday night: Kes, featuring the recorder talents of Laura Jean. it was a nice surprise.
- i've been listening to Imogen Heap and Frou Frou, and loving them.
- i finished reading The Book Thief. it was ok. a little too self-reflexive, in my view, and i usually go in for that stuff. also, i don't know if the desensetised perspective of death was the best approach to conveying the horror of the holocaust. still, it was written beautifully in parts.

should i take six months off? probably, but i might then have to give up my scholarship. which would be obviously stupid. whatever the case, i've got to change something.

ea and me

it has been a nice week, though i can only recognise that there's been a week at all by the fact that it's sunday. like i only know that it's cold sometimes because i can't move my fingers as fast. also, it was cold this week.
it was my sister's birthday on wednesday, which was an excellent excuse for many a round of merriment. the first began with my twilight quest for crispy noodles, in order that we might make gado gado as jen's requested birthday dinner. it took me an hour and the scouring of a suburb to come to the realisation that there isn't a store in north sydney that stocks them. instead, realising that i was thirsty at the precise moment that i was walking past the 7-11, i ended up buying a freezie. the ones where you get three times as much for an extra forty cents. my mother gave me a perplexing look when i arrived home - the kind of look a person gives when they have sent you on an errand for noodles and you return beholding 800mLs of flavoured ice. it turned out we had crispy noodles in the drawer anyway. hurray!
on friday i saw the seabellies and bluebottle kiss play at the factory. the first was a marvellous surprise, because i had heard nothing about them. the number of instruments each member plays borders on ridiculous.
also, bluebottle kiss played wonderfully. the soundscapes were hypnotic, the guitar work amazing. some of the cliched lyrics annoyed me, which is unusual, because i rarely register any criticisms for live music. still, i really enjoyed the set.
on saturday i went to fisher to gather the resources necessary for an essay due tomorrow (or should i say, today). and ran into mia! we laughed at ourselves together, and i visited her house quickly to collect a book. the suburb of glebe is a lovely suburb, and mia's house is a lovely house.
today my family had lunch. this is more of an occasion than one might expect, in that my lunch is generally breakfast. also, it was in celebration of the fact that jennikins is 17. 17! we are ageing. i mentioned to my cousins that our days of frolicking outside during the post meal conversation are numbered. we folded the tablecloth into a giant crane. people find it quaint, still.
also, it looked awesome.
i started writing my essay tonight. and i started reading the book thief by markus zusak, which i probably shouldn't have, because it seems like something i won't be putting down for very long over the next couple of days. maybe just long enough to finish the essay.
sleep, now. it is 5am, and i am starting to think what the night would like me to, instead of my head.
good night!

Rhapsody on a Windy Night

i read poetry less than i'd like. i read this for the first time in year eleven, when i would frequently walk aimlessly around my suburb in the middle of the night, and it became very important to me. i had an urge to read it again tonight, as i sat on the small staircase below my window. and now i have. memory. is very strange.

on a less ambiguous note, when i was looking for the book of poems, i also found my copy of Treasury of Provebs and Epigrams! here are some quotable words of wisdom:

"every wise woman buildeth her house; but the foolish plucketh it down with her own hands". well... yeah.

"it is hard to get two heads under one hat"


goodnight!

If you've trapped yourself in a vicious circle, this pamphlet is for you!

apparently the bitter experience of failure is the only path to changing the habit of procrastination. apparently i must grasp the nettle, whatever that means. thanks pamphlet!

haha, simple things make me ridiculously overjoyed sometimes. i just picked up my cup of tea thinking "damn, i drank it all already". but i hadn't! excellent. oh god it just happened again. surely now i can't actually finish it. ok i just did. check cup. yes, its actually finished now.
i've had a nice day. i went to uni, and talked to people for hours instead of going to lectures. hmm.
finished freud though. watched M. i'm doing some actual work for once, and rapidly recovering faith in my being at uni. i'm still quite looking forward to the holidays though, and to next semester, with its glittering intact potential.

night night night.